I can have two real families

The irony of Indian culture; a girl's whole background get a whitewash after she gets married !!!!!!! for good or for bad and the whole goddamn world accepts this fact.........really don't understand this.

This is an undeniable reality voiced by a woman who is happily married and independent. A woman, who by no means represents the parochial stereotype of the society. She takes care of her family and is taken care by them. But, this is the stark reality where she is expected to accept her husband’s family as her own and the presumed standard is the clean mutilation of her prenuptial ties. I remember, during one of the rituals in my marriage, the priest asked my husband to bless me with a new name that would give me a new identity and release me from my previous bondages. 

This is the irony, where a girl is chosen on behalf of her disposition, education and the most important her ability to adapt. All these are attributes of her upbringing. Then how relevant is it to expect her to push the reason of her existence in the background? There is absolutely no need of this. Firstly, we should get rid of this ancient belief that this new home is her ‘real home.’ The new family should rather try to earn her than to impose the pre-meditated mindset of establishing itself as her ‘true family.'

The new family should be an extension of the existing family. It is the way we grow; we make friends in spite of having siblings and cousins. So, do we get married and add new people to our lives. This whole point of ‘real home’ and ‘real family’ is bizarre. We as humans have tremendous ability to forge relationships that have ‘names’ and those ‘without names.’ So, we can always accommodate new ones without replacing the old ones. My parents are the simple reason for the way I am and who I am and You chose me for who I am.

I don’t need to divide my love and attention between the two families as I can always engender more love and warmth that will suffice. So, no need to whitewash my background.

Cleanliness is Godliness: But cleaners are not!

Most of the time when I read my thoughts expressed on the blog I ask myself am I a pessimist? I am always complaining about things and discontented. But, then they all are part of my life, something that I always felt and wanted people to know about. They are not positive or negative but only feelings. If at all they are pessimistic even then they root from my optimism that to eradicate a problem we need to realize it first. Moreover, it can be simplified as sensitive people complain more about the inadequacies; therefore I am happy to be sensitive.

I have spent six years of my life in Toxicology Research Institute. The Institute harbors scientists, research scholars, technical staff, the finance wing staff and the clerks. Officially the Institute functions only on the weekdays, but as research recognize no Saturdays and Sundays, so, it is practically open for 365x24 hours. Be it Diwali, Holi, Ed or Christmas one would always find the Institute open and the research fellows working.

I want to draw the attention to an issue of the cleaning staff required for the smooth functioning of the laboratory and their conditions. The experiments are performed on rats, mice, tumorigenic and normal cells using toxic treatments. Therefore, to me the issue was of utmost importance because on Fridays I made sure of all the dustbins being cleaned, so that I could work on the weekends, without bothering. One might think that the cleaning staff too deserves off like other permanent staff, but so is not the case. Firstly, the cleaning staff is not permanent; it is hired through an agency. The office timing is from 9:00 am till 5:30 pm but the cleaning staff reports at 8:00 am and on weekends they are engaged in the cleaning of the Institutional building rather than the labs.

Perhaps, they are the only people who are bound to work on all the days. Further, can you believe the wages they get for their work? It’s a meager Rs 4000-6000/month, where the contractor takes his share too. So, they sign for a higher wage and receive some Rs 1000-1500 less than the sanctioned amount. Whereas, my boss gets a pay of more than Rs 1,50,000/month with weekends off. There are no comparisons between the two as far as caliber is a concern, but one cannot deny the physical labor done. Both mental and physical work should be revered. It is a nightmare to work in a dirty lab and they give us the clean laboratories to work on.

My concern is not that they should be given a permanent job or not, but yes there work should not be underestimated and they should be paid accordingly. It is sickening that in a measure to meet its budgeting the Institute trims the cleaning staff. It is a pain to look at their condition. Once I asked one of my staff as to how much he gets paid? I was ashamed at his reply, he said, “jitni aapko pocket money milti hai.”

Its better not to mention the method of laboratory waste disposal and safety cautions taken by the staff involved in it.

Ph.D. viva: have you saved money?

Corruption is indisputably a major hassle in our country that has influenced the course of national politics. We have always believed the politicians, babus and government employees as the quintessential perpetrators. Perhaps people have their own reasons to support the dubious ritual, but what I fail to understand is its presence in academia. 

The highest degree that can be obtained in our country is a Ph.D. (Doctorate in Philosophy). The time consumed while doing a thesis, its compulsions, obligations if compiled can be another epic. It is often said, “one who does a Ph.D. in India never allows anyone else to do it in seven generations.” The trouble has got less to do with the work and more with the unprofessionalism involved. So, is the condition with many things in India, but where is the corruption? Well, after all the work is being done and thesis is submitted comes a crucial part, the scheduling of the viva-voce. Ethically, everything is streamlined and should occur at a designated pace but what follows is another torturous session where the student is supposed to pursue the progress of the assessment of his thesis. Most often the clerks refuse to dispatch the thesis to the examiner citing the unavailability of the stamp tickets. The student is expected to buy the tickets and hand over the purchase bill to the clerk for reimbursement.

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Similarly, the examiner gets the travel as well as dearness allowances for his visit to conduct the viva-voce. But all those expenses are to be handled by the student himself, whereas the examiner claims the reimbursements. Last and not the least is the khana-khilana session that is being suggested as ‘only if you wish.’ You loathe when the student is asked to pay for the fuel in case of power cut. The thumb rule is if you don't maintain a follow up of your thesis, then it may take all the time in the universe to get your degree. 

My question is, are all these arrangements relevant for the viva to be conducted? From where has this tradition of involving the student in the administrative work started? How ethical is it to involve the poor soul in making arrangements than to be preparing for the viva? Can’t it be like any other exam where the student is only concerned with the answers? How is the research done by him benefited by these lunatic exercises? It is a degenerate practice followed in most parts of the country where the so-called ‘buddhijeevi’ religiously mimic it without questioning its morality. Why don't we mimic west in this respect?

Oop’s have I mentioned the gifts expected to be given to the supervisors? 

Women distract: It’s natural, no shame

Off late, the Internet is buzzing with the reactions and disagreement with the opinion of Nobel Laureate Tim Hunt. Professor Hunt expressed a very personal opinion where he stated; “Let me tell you about my trouble with girls. Three things happen when they are in the lab: You fall in love with them, they fall in love with you, and when you criticize them they cry (sic).” These thoughts of his took the world by storm impeaching him to be a chauvinist and anti-feminist. We live in a world where we nurture individuality and promote people to express their unfazed thoughts dubbing it as a reality check. But, the truth is, we expect people to articulate something that can be easily assimilated.

As far as feminism is concerned, it is a thing to be practiced not preached. But, somehow it has become less about awareness of masses towards women rights and more about condemning men. It would have been routine if the same thoughts were expressed about men, but they were voiced against women by a man unleashed the devil of women liberation. It’s not that I am against the sisterhood or trying to stay neutral by supporting Prof. Hunt, but I want to leave him with his opinion. He stated his experience of life that cannot be ripped off.

There are multitudes of feelings that all of us experience irrespective of them being good or bad. We fail to express them because of the social uproar, but we all have them and would appreciate if people acknowledge them without classifying. Today everyone does self-appointed moral policing in matters involving others while tags issues as personal that involve ownself. The kind of reaction that gets generated can be interpreted as, “people listen 50% of what is being said, understand 25% but react 200%.”

Beneath such uproars often are the delicate issues that go unattended and fade into the oblivion. Inter-personal relationships do affect the work performance. Of what I could conclude from the remark was not that girls are a distraction or are emotional, but the impact of these rocky relationships on the work front. Probably Prof. Hunt endorsed separate lab for women not because they distract, but to avoid his vulnerability grapple him thus alienating him from work. Therefore, in spite of reacting to somebody’s personal opinion we must look around ourselves and ask, “Is it so?” If yes, then what can be done? And if nothing can be done, then stop wagging your tongues. However, if the opinion is irrelevant then don’t loose peace of your life and let the person live with his experience.

Everybody can’t play, but everybody should study

I can’t kick a football or for that matter up to no good in terms of sports. But this has never been an issue. Everybody was happy with the fact that I was not lagging in studies. However, my father would always say, ‘Kheloge koodoge to banoge nawab, padhoge likhoge to hoge kharab.’ Deep inside I always felt inferior because I could play no games. But so is not with the people, I don’t know from where has this belief percolated in our subconscious that immaterial everybody can’t play, everybody should study.

Studying out of interest will not suffice one has to be the best in their discipline. In spite of all the Bill Gates and Zuckerbergs as the champions of dropouts, children are compelled to compete with numbers. Children are put in school from the age of 2-3 years and they subconsciously encounter the pressure of performances much before they can understand it. In our country, a child generally becomes an engineer by the age of 23, and the stress game continues.  If he finds a job, he succumbs to the work pressure and if not then to the unemployment. Instances of students committing suicide in prestigious institutions under the mounting pressure are common. The race of ‘becoming the best’ has no end.

What I can infer is, the biggest perk for such drive is the salary package. The humongous amount offered is strange. With such packages comes the life sucking work schedules. Thus, harboring a work hard and party harder culture. I don't object to the money offered, but can't the employers reduce the package and rather increase the number of people to be recruited. It would reduce the work pressure; increase the productivity as 1 and 1 make 11 than 2. This will also increase the job opportunities and people will have more family time.

I often see parents bragging about the packages earned by their children at younger ages. A youth of 22-25 years should have more access to the liberties of life than being subdued to money vending machines. Besides having good money, they fail to maintain good health and fell prey to disorders like depression. We have evolved into a society that believes one should have their own money to be happy. The abundance of money has altered our perspective towards life. It is strange how money is dictating our lives. Performance should not be the only paradigm and success the only goal.

Close your eyes and focus on your body. It is a marvel of perfection where billions of cells communicate, co-ordinate and perform to help you breath, blink, shake or sleep and laze around. Every single human is a huge investment of evolution. Then who are we to categorize them into genius, average, and moron? No genius uses less machinery than a moron while breathing. So, why this race and disrespect of human life?

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Charity

I am utterly confused!

Here in Cape Town, it is a routine sight to see people scavenging for food in the garbage bins. In India if hungry, the deprived head for the shrines and there they get food. Indian people often offer food to the mendicants as a result of fulfillment of their wishes. So, there is abundance of devotees serving food. There it is uncommon to see people rummaging through garbage for food. On the contrary, here it is easy to spot people who sponsor orphans and take them along with their families on outing. This gesture is rare in India.

I am confused because I am not able to decide which is nobler? To feed people and save them from succumbing into the hands of hunger or to sponsor their existence and give them an opportunity to live a decent life and cherish your happiness along with them.

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Leave the prison

As I walked toward my freedom, I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison.

Dr Nelson Mandela expressed the subtle meaning of being in the prison and of freedom. He struggled against the inhuman atrocities done to the indigenous people of South Africa. The natives were subjected to a little less than animal treatment. If compared to the Indian subcontinent, the situations in Africa were diverse. The Indian laity was ruled since times immemorial, they had an economy and were conscious people who had rich history, science and literature. But, Africans were innocent, naive, forest people who lived harmoniously with their natural habitat.

The Africans were deemed to be uncouth by the invaders, and were unaware of their invaluable resources. Europeans felt it as their moral responsibility to give them a glimpse of their civilization and bring them into the fold of it. However, people paid much to get civilized. Looking at the procedures any compassionate human being will choose to remain uncouth rather than getting civilized. The premeditated cold-blooded assaults endured by the aboriginals in the name of civilization are heart-wrenching.

In those turbulent times, such thoughts expressed by Mr Mandela need salutation. It requires a lot of courage and more than that the magnanimity to rise above one’s sufferings and ignore the vengeance. The world is suffering from the retribution against the injustice done in the past. The words of Mr Mandela enlightens both the oppressor and the repressed to reprise their role and come out of the prison of ignorance. If the bitterness and hatred are not purged, they will now swallow the human species. We should amicably bring all the incongruencies to an end otherwise the vengeance has only one sealed fate.

We have no control over the past, but certainly we can save our future. Firstly, we will have to detach ourselves from the anger against the injustice done in the past and then to assure prevention of their recurrences.

How do you form an opinion?

These are strange times; the advent of global communication has revolutionized our lives. Perhaps the pace of technology is too fast for us to cope up with. With better communications, I know what is happening around the world except my own neighbourhood  Sometimes, I feel there is so much news around me that I don’t get time to interpret it. I watch hundreds of contradicting processed versions that fail to give the precise and accurate details. Media, the third pillar of democracy has grown up into a spoiled brat. In spite of presenting unbiased news, it edits, adds a motive and bereaves people of the innate sentiments.

The media sponsored and processed opinions have created a war-like situation in the country. Its dubious usage has crafted factions. People unknowingly associate with these cohorts. The personal differences between the celebrities are touted as ‘the Khan-war.’ The news channels exhibit them on the prime-time slot and discuss the issue with sincerity alongwith its panel of experts. The desired outcome is to brand people as their fans and then compete who has a better fan following? Similar branding can be seen in nearly every sphere. The other most innovative and authentic method is to go amongst the people and ask them their opinion impromptu. This reaction is then dubbed as public opinion. Scientifically, in a country of 1.2 billion, can anyone speculate opinion of how many individuals would be deemed as the general opinion of the masses.

Besides the marginal issues; this practice has sneaked into the mainstream politics. Where people are influenced by the news and desperately express their allegiance to the respective parties. They construct their opinions on the half-baked news. Sadly, moving away from contemplation, they are reducing themselves to placards that say yes or no but have no original individual opinion. The media presents us with so many options that we only have to choose than think. Gradually, people are becoming aggressive in their mannerism and abusive in their language. The social media is trashed with such offensive messages, posts and emails. People are loosing their sensitivity; in spite of introspection, they aggressively defend the side they bear allegiance to and search scapegoats to vent their anger. They are following and defending people blindfolded.

People are being turned into the consumer that consume everything without assessing its suitability. We need to understand every email, post or message need not to be forwarded only to verify your activity. One needs to study a lot and understand more than that to frame an opinion. Don’t develop opinion grounded on a crap piece of news. Please learn to judge and extricate appreciation from allegiance. We can responsibly be unbiased.

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Legalise the necessary evil

It might sound absurd but I want certain customs to get legalized despite them being immoral and unlawful. I want their legalization not because I espouse them or they benefit a certain section of society but for they will make life a lot easier in India. I want legalization of dowry; yes I want proper laws that should define how much dowry should be given? The government should set up a committee that would evaluate the groom’s value with respect to his qualifications, job, social status and bride’s competency.

I am fed-up of the pseudo-morality of our society. With advent of education and women as career-person it was anticipated that the custom would have a natural death. But so is not the case? The law treats dowry as a crime but we cannot defy that we have heard or participated in the elaborate discussions on the modes and dates of the payments to be given or taken. Each one of us is aware of its existence and practice, then why do we shirk away from its responsibility. The cases registered under section 498A are rarely in the event of demand of dowry, but more in instances of an increasing demand than the stipulated sum. Therefore, in such cases the dowry is previously practiced it is the inability of the two parties to reach a mutual conclusion.

Government can facilitate by plugging the involved negotiations, it can assess and predetermine the dowry. It will be a great help for the bride’s parents, where there only concern will be to accumulate the sufficient amount to get their daughter married. They would need not to shift their budgets as per the groom’s family’s mood swings. I only want the existing business to get more proficient, legalised  and professional. Another important point is, the dowry should be made mandatory, as our society loves to flaunt its generosity than practicing it. People often try to prove their innocence by portraying that the dowry is a willing gift and it is immaterial to them. A correct assessment by the government will honour the deep-rooted tradition. As all the government’s efforts to eradicate it have proved otiose, so legalise it.

By saying so I don’t want to debase the people struggling for the abolition of this practice. People believing dowry against their principles will device ways to neutralize it. However, it is disheartening to see that young, educated men still dodge the questions on dowry. They either give their mute support reflecting it as their parents will or their resistance is smothered to prove their obedience to their parents. Such unscrupulous traditions are endorsed by the affluent for their joy, but their extravagant affair dazzles commoners who imitate the same. Importantly arranged marriages are more prone to dowry than their counterparts. This denotes that our senior generation is the prime benefactor of this tradition.

I find myself at loss for words when I see the respected, educated, experienced and suaver (suaver because the young are considered belligerent who have less respect for the traditions) people propounding such shameful practices. It reduces my respect for them. It is very embarrassing when strangers express amazement on the arranged Hindu marriage and then impinge on the exploiting dowry system. All my explanations of the Vedic mantras and vows of seven births are belittled when I cannot explain the rationality of dowry. Besides, in spite of being educated and respected it sabotages my self-respect because I am a woman.

I feel sympathy for the parents who owing to their limited resources prefer to bargain their daughter’s education for her dowry. This practice forces people to get embroiled in corrupt practices. Can anybody teach how a girl should face her parents who in spite of giving her same upbringing as their son paid the price of her being their daughter, not a son? By legalizing the tradition it will marginally ease the trauma of getting their daughters married.

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